Blundering Into The Depths Of Despair
by bloopsyduck
Summary: In the serenity of the night, Hanazawa Rui's calm, impassive façade shatters to reveal his innermost thoughts of the cruel twist of fate domineering his life. Memories, dreams, fantasies whirl about as he recollects the happy moments of the past.
1. Endless Remorse

**_Blundering into the Depths of Despair_**

**Endless Remorse**

_Why must you let me endure this unbearable pain? Why must you torture me perpetually, even when I try to escape into the depths of depression? Even when I drown myself in my own pools of misery, you still pull me up from the dark recesses. It is not because you want to rescue me from silent death and deliver me from my demise. It is because you have no other to pour out more of your troubles onto._

_I am only a pillar of strength for all to lean on for trust and comfort. No one knows of the numerous cracks, of the weakening foundation, of the quiet crumbling. Bearing the weight of the world assails me with grief. A mind torn apart, shattered by the constant quandaries. I will never be free, chained and fettered, consumed by the hate and confusion._

_Yet you still pull me back, depriving me from complete peace and serenity. The horrible memories engulf me once more. All I want is for such things to blur, for everything to fade before me. This life I lead, this time I abided, this endless longing and waiting – they have lost their meaning. I live in my loneliness with just the solitude of suffering by my side._

_This predicament, this dilemma, all my quixotic solutions have done nothing but allow me to tumble further into grief. It is all over, leaving but a hurting human soul. In the past, what kept me alive, what kindled my spirit were childhood fantasies. But even those are oppressed and smashed by the towering shadows of reality. Glimpses of promising futures and cherished ambitions evanesce day by day. I fall more and more into spaces never experienced before, into the vast emptiness._

_Sunlight is no more to me, only an illusion drifting faraway from my grasp. Happiness is a fleeting hope, luring me into unreal dimensions. Enveloped by misty confusion, nothing can save me; nothing can free me from the tight clutches of unhappiness. There is only one path, one path to extricate myself from this quagmire, one path to prevent myself from quailing anymore in the face of reality._

_So now even if I cannot bask in the sheer darkness, I will continue, blind to all happiness and unfeeling to love. All emotions remain lost to me forever. Even the momentous relief of dreams cannot mend the broken pieces. I will submerge my mind in a state of apathy, dousing it with indifference. In the course of a lifetime, what does it matter?_


	2. Seeking Solace in the Stars

**Seeking Solace in the Stars**

_This unfathomable feeling of a heart being rendered unconscious by the pain of harboring a lost love. Is there not an unreal dimension out there where only happiness pervades people's lives?_

_I seem to have lost all awareness of time with just the fleeting thought of _her.

In his quiet room, Hanazawa Rui pondered bitterly as he lie prostrate on his spacious bed. Hugging the soft pillow to himself, he tried to recollect the hopes of the past. Those few years had been a perfect dream until a misunderstanding had shattered the fantasy.

What had he done to deserve this cruel twist of fate? Had the world decided that he had experienced all the pleasures of life? Ah, he thought, there was an impregnable wall between him and happiness now.

Lately, he had isolated himself from the others during the day, hoping to regain his composure. But every night was a recurring nightmare when he stayed awake reminiscing. Tsukushi's sweet, angelic face haunted him so much yet Rui felt a frisson every time he envisioned Tsukushi in a delicate pink dress with fragrant flowers adorning her hair. He could smell her unique scent of jasmine, he could sense the warmth of her body nearby, he could almost reach out and grasp her hand tenderly, but reality always tore him away from the enticing reveries.

What was it with his thoughts revolving so closely around Tsukushi? Rui couldn't chase the sentiments away. His mind was filled with images of a smiling Tsukushi, an outraged but cute Tsukushi, a dejected Tsukushi; Rui was going insane coveting her.

Suddenly another thought flew into his mind; why hadn't he cherished the moments he had spent with Tsukushi before? She had felt an attraction toward him and had trusted him entirely, and what did he do? He had pushed her away at times because he had been hopelessly infatuated with Shizuka. Even now, Rui could not understand the meaning behind what he had felt for Shizuka.

Merciless clouds of misery swooped down on Rui. After all, he should be satisfied with the chance he had been given with Tsukushi. Pangs of remorse sprang up inside, inciting feelings of true sorrow. His bluish gray eyes brimmed with tears. Every fallen crystal teardrop conveyed yet another shade of a broken heart. Rui had been anguished many times before, but this time he was on the verge of collapsing.

Rui's room was situated on the eastern side of the Hanazawa estate. A nightstand was placed next to an upholstered bed with creamy white bedspreads. Held down by a bouquet of faded roses, pages of scribbled writing fluttered on the nightstand as the gentle wind stirred the contents of the room.

The large bay window, behind a comfortable white lounge, revealed a pleasant view of the dusky Tokyo sky. A balmy breeze blew in from the open window, carrying with it the perfume of just blooming summer roses. The placid night had approached stealthily while Rui had been immersed in his contemplation.

For the first time in quite a while, Rui walked over to the window wearily and drew aside the light curtains. He almost gasped with wonder at the breathtaking sight that met his tired eyes. A shower of stars shimmered in the dark night sky, much like little fireflies glimmering in the dim twilight. Beams of moonlight shone into the room, casting a tranquil aura to the room. His tall figure was silhouetted on the cold marble floor.

He tried to remember the last time he had set eyes on the picturesque scene outside of his window, lying in wait for him to behold. It had been eons ago when Rui had taken a midnight promenade with Tsukushi, enjoying the calm of the night. They had stopped down on the warm sand by the beach and had danced together to the beat of their fiery hearts. Now that Rui had become completely ignorant of the simple beauty of nature, only moments of endless longing lodged themselves in the deep recesses of his mind.

As Rui gazed at the mesmerizing stars, he noticed a particular star farther apart from the others blinking at him. It was 'the queen of the night', outshining all the others with its striking singularity. He wished he could capture some of the star's brilliant glow to admire.

He thought about how he felt about Tsukushi. What was it about the impetuous Tsukushi that had roused his affection? She, simply a girl from a lower-class family, had stood out in the crowd of wealthy, flamboyant girls at Eitoku with her indomitable determination.

Did he really _love_ her or was it just a blazing passion? He had always believed love to be a grander, deeper, all-consuming and more profound emotion; something inexplicably wonderful and absolutely unforgettable. His heart could never be impervious to the mounting, insufferable confusion. Hand in hand, desperation and desolation embraced Rui whenever he attempted to escape his perplexing plight.

The sole consolation Rui could always seek was from the pleasing tones of his precious, careworn violin. At his most disconsolate moments, he had played a bittersweet melody to express the needs of his hurting human soul. Once more, Rui fondly lifted the violin from its bed of rose petals and started off with another of his melancholy yet touching tunes.

The mellow tones of the violin drowned out all his grief, and a soothing sensation came over Rui. A haven of music engulfed his mind, heart and soul as he succumbed to the enchanting melody. Realizing that he had subconsciously begun to play what he had been engrossed in when Tsukushi had walked up to him at Eitoku, Rui recalled his first encounter with her…


	3. The First Rendezvous

Author's Note: I know I haven't posted for this in an insanely long time. Although the story as of right now seems alot like the actual plot of the manga/drama, it will definitely change soon. So enjoy and please review (:

**The First Rendezvous**

Tsukushi was a spirited, energetic girl of 17. Her happy, cheerful aura emanated warmth that none could resist liking. She spoke up for those who were mistreated by others. In secondary school, her pupils had admired her determination in standing up for whatever she believed in against all odds.

However, there were still others out there who held a grudge against Tsukushi for her fiery resolutions. They were the daughters and sons of the wealthy families who had themselves been former students of the prestigious Eitoku University years ago. Their grand mansions were like castles compared to the poorer citizens' crowded homes in the other side of Tokyo. Every day on Tsukushi's way home to the crowded house in which she lived with her parents and brother, she would pass by at least one rich Eitoku student whisked from school in a shiny, polished limousine. It was obvious that the affluent families' children would never tread the path she had trodden.

On the other hand, Tsukushi had been sent to Eitoku by her poorer parents for the simple reason of helping them pay off their constantly oppressing debts by marrying a rich husband. To Tsukushi, her parents' notions of giving her opportunities to associate with the higher class just so she could find the right "Prince Wealthy" was terribly overwhelming. As much as she wanted to help her parents in their financial battle, Tsukushi still resolved to remain a wallflower for the long years before her at Eitoku.

Unfortunately, her goals could never be achieved. Because of Tsukushi's courageous spunk, there was one girl especially who scorned her. Sakurako. She was the only daughter of one of Tokyo's most successful businessmen. It was impossible for Tsukushi to avoid Sakurako at school. Dressed in the latest fashion, Sakurako was always followed by a large crowd of admirers who only wished to become popular by flattering her.

From her first impressions of the rich students, Tsukushi had already decided not to speak with them unless it was necessary. Nonetheless, she was still able to find one kindred spirit in the great throng of students at Eitoku. Yuki. Ever since the first time Tsukushi had stood up for Yuki in front of the rest of the Eitoku students, Yuki had always greeted her with a smile. She was also from a poorer family who had been enrolled in Eitoku only because she had won a full scholarship. Tsukushi sympathized with Yuki for her family circumstances had been less fortunate than hers.

One particular day, Tsukushi and Yuki were walking to their next class when Tsukushi suddenly collided with a tall curly-haired young man followed by his group of three friends.

The leader closely resembled an arrogant model, pompously dressed in an expensive silver Armani suit. The dark curly hair framed a prominent nose and high cheekbones. A look of disdain flashed in his eyes when he noticed the two girls apologizing profusely. The other two in the middle, following closely behind their leader, wore slightly less extravagant clothes yet still held the swaggering air of the first. They seemed amused at this unexpected interruption.

However, the last of this group could not possibly have completed the missing piece of the rich quartet. Strands of mahogany hair covered his eyes, rendering his impassive expression even more indiscernible. Despite the fact that his outfit indeed showed his family's wealth, the dark tie was loosely draped around his neck and his untucked shirt shed an unmistakable aura of apathy about him.

Although the air of indifference tightly cloaked this man, it was he who immediately sparked Tsukushi's interest. The curly-haired leader began a long harangue involving firing the superintendent for allowing such poor, low-class students to attend the same school as him, the heir to the great Doumyouji fortune. However, his words did not pierce Tsukushi's mind as she quietly mused over the exciting possibility of finding yet another rare kindred spirit in the masses of superficial and dull students at Eitoku. It wasn't until the infuriated leader pushed Yuki rudely to the side to continue his momentarily paused saunter across the courtyard that Tsukushi snapped out of her reveries.

Tsukushi's face was livid with anger as she yelled at the backs of the retreating group. "Who do you think you are! With your ugly pineapple head, I'm sure you think people will just bow down at your feet wherever you go! But you know what? You're nothing but a cocky prettyfa--!" The whole time during Tsukushi's outburst, Yuki had been desperately trying to silence her indignant friend. Now, a quick clap of her hand over Tsukushi's mouth had finally caught Tsukushi's attention.

"Do you know who you're confronting, Tsukushi-chan? That's F4! Their families own this entire university. They could get us expelled any time they wanted," Yuki whispered fearfully. Suddenly, Tsukushi envisioned the downcast expression on her parents' faces as they found out she had been expelled from the prestigious school they had risked everything to enroll her in.

Waves of panic flashed over Tsukushi's mind as she tried to think of a way of compensating for her reckless behavior just a moment ago. In that one second of carelessness, Tsukushi had dashed both her and Yuki's hopes of fitting in at Eitoku. But the point of no return had already flown stealthily by. By this time, the pineapple-head had already turned back and now pointed a finger menacingly at Tsukushi.

"You'll regret this."

And with that final sentence of judgment, the pineapple-head stalked off with F4 trailing behind, leaving the two unfortunate girls to drown in their miseries.

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DUN DUN DUN...

**Special Preview of Next Chapter:**

_"Akira! Did you see the expression on their faces?" 18-year-old playboy, Nishikado Soujiro, laughed uproariously. "And that one girl called Tsukasa a pineapple-head! Ha ha ha…" _

_"Now that I think about it, I can kinda see what she was talking about. You do look like a pineapple head, Tsukasa! What do you think Rui?" Mimasaka Akira's brown eyes twinkled beneath his long, wavy hair as he glanced over at his reticent friend in the corner. _

_Hanazawa Rui merely shrugged and returned to his absorbing daydreams. But the object of their talk, Tsukasa cut in quickly. "Shut up, you guys, I don't look like a walking pineapple. Hey, do I look like I have a pineapple-head?" He asked the petite waitress who had just brought them their drinks. She meekly looked up at him before recognizing him as _the_ Doumyouji Tsukasa. Without so much as a reply, she quickly retreated back behind the bar. _


End file.
